


Why?

by phoenixnz



Series: The Chronicles of Martha and Jonathan [33]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:43:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27585599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixnz/pseuds/phoenixnz
Summary: Martha's thoughts.
Relationships: Jonathan "Pa" Kent/Martha Kent
Series: The Chronicles of Martha and Jonathan [33]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/268900
Comments: 5
Kudos: 3





	Why?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BigRed67](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigRed67/gifts).



Her hands were shaking. She had spent three days crying almost non-stop and was almost cried out. She was tired. Exhausted. Yet even though she felt like she had no more tears left, she couldn’t stop. 

She gazed at her reflection in the mirror. She’d put on make-up to hide her pallor but it couldn’t really hide the shadows under her eyes. She couldn’t sleep. She hadn’t been able to sleep since that night.

It had to be a nightmare. This wasn’t real. She kept feeling as if she was going to wake up and he’d be there, right by her side. On his back, snoring. Something he would have completely denied. 

As she turned to leave the bedroom, she spied a flannel shirt he’d left on the dresser. She’d asked him time and time again to put his shirts in the hamper but he always forgot. Used to forget. 

She picked up the shirt, pressing the soft fabric to her face. She’d always used dryer sheets that brought out the softness in the material. She could smell the light scent of the detergent and something else that was so uniquely … him. 

He was all around her. She could still smell his aftershave on the pillow. At night she would lay hugging his pillow to her body, hoping it would be comforting. It wasn’t comforting. It was just a reminder that he wasn’t there and would never be again. 

God, it hurt. She had never really believed in the whole idea of a bond where if one partner was hurt, the other partner would feel it. Yet she did feel it. A physical pain down deep. Cramping her stomach. A sharp jab in the chest, causing her to clench a fist, laying it over her heart as if she could somehow catch the pain. 

A broken heart. That’s what it was, she thought. 

A horn beeped and she stepped over to the window, pulling back the net curtain to look out over the yard. A limousine had pulled up. They were supposed to take it to the …

If she squinted, she could just see the animals in the field. It had been snowing heavily for a couple of days and the snowdrifts were deep. She wanted to feel sorry for the animals, but she couldn’t. She just felt numb. 

As much as she wanted to be strong for her son, she couldn’t. She could see her own pain mirrored in his eyes as he sat down with her on the couch. They’d barely spoken since it happened. She knew he blamed himself. He’d told her what he’d done, but how could he have possibly known the outcome?

How could he sit there blaming himself when there were just so many other reasons why?

They left the house, sitting in the back of the limousine. He held her hand. It was almost as if he was trying to give her some of his strength and at the same time drawing some from her. As they passed through town, she could see people on the streets. It was cold but the teenagers didn’t seem to mind. They were talking, laughing, going about their lives as if this was just a normal day.

It wasn’t a normal day, she thought. Not for her. She didn’t think it would ever be a normal day again. She knew the world didn’t stop spinning just because of what happened. Time didn’t stand still, no matter how much she wanted it to. Yet she resented them for not even acknowledging that today, of all days, meant everything to the two figures in the back of the limousine. 

She could only watch as people spoke, talking about his kindness, his strength, his sense of community spirit. He’d lived a life well-loved. As much as she loved the beautiful words, the way the people talked about him, they washed over her. She barely registered even the presence of those she’d been close to. Lois, Chloe, Lana. She even thought she saw Lex and Lionel. Both men had little reason to even be here, but they’d come anyway to pay their respects. Even Nell, who she had barely got along with at the best of times, had come. The other woman nodded at her but didn’t approach. She nodded in reply, acknowledging that in this, at least, they could put aside their differences. 

She wanted to fall to her knees, even in the cold snow, and scream at him. Why? Why did you leave me? She knew there would be no answer. 

Back at the farmhouse, she did her best to greet those who had come afterwards. A few of their friends tried to talk to her about him. To share stories. Someone else had taken over hosting duties so she didn’t have to lift a finger. She needed to do something. Anything. Just to feel. 

It was dark by the time she had had enough and she went to lie down. She laid on the bed, his pillow next to her. The tears fell freely as the scents surrounded her, bringing up memories of their life together. She could still remember his laugh. Remember the day they found out they couldn’t have children. The day they’d found their son. The trials, the joys. 

“Oh, Jonathan,” she wailed. “Why? We were supposed to grow old together!”

There was no answer.

**Author's Note:**

> I deliberately left the summary vague. Even though it's fairly short, it was a hard vignette to write, simply because it can bring up a lot of painful memories. I know it did for me. It's kind of why I'd been avoiding writing this one for some time.


End file.
